Awful, awful jokes
Whaddup? Have you ever been sitting with a group of coworkers, and one of them tells an awful joke? Like the kind of joke that leaves you thoroughly confused as to what just happened? I recently experienced just that. Here’s how the story goes:
After a meeting a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting with some coworkers (all male). One of my coworkers is known for his sense of humor. He mentioned seeing the Clorox commercial where the young boy uses the restroom for the first time, and he related it to his daughter when she was younger. It was a cute, funny story.
In a perfect world, that would’ve been the end. We would’ve left the meeting and all went about our business. But the world isn’t perfect. Not even close. So soon after the cute, funny story ended, another coworker gives the following account. (I’m treating this as a direct quote, because it’s his story. It’s not a direct quote. I didn’t make a transcript of it as he spoke. That would be dumb.):
When my son was about five years old, he and I were in the bathroom playing swords [Point #1]. My daughter, who was about two at the time, walks in with a pacifier in her mouth and comes and stands between us [Point #2]. She comes over and she’s looking up at me [Point #3]. Then she pulls down her diaper, puts both hands between her legs and pees on the floor. Then I told my son, ‘hey, I guess you’re going to have to start sitting down to pee if your sister is going to do everything you do.’ [Point #4]
Blank stares filled the room. No one knew what to say. I mean everything is wrong with that story, right?! Let’s go through each point one-by-one and discuss everything that’s wrong here.
Point #1 – Do you know what playing swords is? If you’ve never played it, it’s because you aren’t weird. Congratulations. Swords is a creepy peeing game. A creepy peeing game that violates man laws. What grown man plays swords?! What grown man plays swords with his son?!! What grown man plays swords with his five-year old son?!!!
Point #2 – What grown man plays swords with his five-year old son with the door open so his two-year old daughter can see and walk in?!!!! I mean, really. It’s bad enough you’re engaging in a creepy peeing game with your kid. But then you leave the door open so your little girl can walk in and stand between you? Word?
Point #3 – Is it okay for your toddler daughter to stand and stare at your junk? My common sense tells me no. Even if you feel like it is okay, I don’t want to know about it.
Point #4 – Please tell me you were joking, because at this point I can’t tell and I’m afraid to ask. There’s no way you seriously suggested to your son that he should start sitting down to pee simply because his little sister is bound to emulate him. That’s terrible advice. But I guess I shouldn’t expect great advice from a man who plays creepy peeing games with his kid. I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say that some even better advice would be to shut the freakin door when he pees… And he should probably be in there peeing alone. But what do I know? I don’t have kids. Creepy peeing games with the door open may be all the rage.
So there you have it. This would normally be the part of the post where I tell you that I’ve just wasted your time, because the story you just read isn’t true. Not the case this time. This happened. I don’t know how this happened. Like, seriously, how does this get set up? I’d imagine it would be like this:
Son: I’ll be back, Dad, I need to go use the restroom.
Dad: Oh really? Why don’t I join you? There’s this creepy peeing game I’ve been waiting to introduce you to.
Son: Sure, Dad. Sounds great. Let’s go creepily pee in the same toilet… Oh, let’s leave the door open so my toddler sister can get a good look at our junk.
Dad: *pats son on the head* That’s my boy. Let’s go creepily pee.
I don’t know, man… I’m scarred.
Until next time…