It’s Thanksgiving! Who made the ___?

2014 is nearing its end. Lots has happened this year for all of us. Whether you’ve lost people through the course of this year (like my family did recently), or gained people (like my grandchildless parents would like at some time in the next 30 years), I hope that you enjoy some time with your family. Eat a lot. Laugh a lot. Enjoy each other.

That being said, take precaution as you dive off into full on gluttony. If you have one of those pot luck family dinners and there are some people whose kitchens you don’t quite trust, I strongly advise you to know who made what before you get a big heaping spoonful of it and pile it on #ThatPlate. If your family is like mine and generally everyone that brings anything is nice in the kitchen, then you’re straight. But chances are that you aren’t that lucky. Sorry, pimp.

In light of that fact, I’m going to give you a top 5 of things that may be available where you will need to ask, “Hey, who made the ___” before you scoop it.

5. Who made the sweet potato pie? I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking, “why is sweet potato pie on the list?” Simple answer. If you’re in a black household, it’s almost a given that there will be sweet potato pie. It’s kind of a staple. But if you’re not sure who made it, there is always a chance that it’s not sweet potato, but pumpkin. There are no words for the disappointment you will feel if you eye that pie, cut it, place it on your plate, and sit down expecting it to be sweet potato. Then outta nowhere, it’s pumpkin. You’ll cuss. You’ll cuss loudly. And you’ll wish you asked who made the sweet potato pie, so that someone, anyone will say, “oh that’s not sweet potato. It’s pumpkin.” Ask the question, bruh.

4. Who made the Kool-Aid? There is an art to making Kool-Aid. At least it’s an art in most black families. But some people are a little more unpredictable than others. You need to be sure. That Kool-Aid can be anywhere from pretty sweet to liquid diabetes… You need to be sure.

3. Who made the turkey? What’s Thanksgiving without turkey? The answer is that it’s not Thanksgiving. The turkey can be messed up in the wrong hands. And if that happens, everything is ruined. You actually need to be sure about this one before the meal is ever prepared. Put this task in some pretty sure hands. Otherwise you risk ruining your family.

2. Who made the dressing/stuffing? If turkey is #1, then dressing is #1a. It’s crazy important. And if you ask that question and the answer is Stove Top, then somebody’s gotta die. Stove Top dressing has a place. That place is nowhere close to the Thanksgiving table. But even if it isn’t Stove Top, it needs to be prepared by some capable hands. A good turkey is only okay if the dressing isn’t good. Nothing will taste as good.

1. Who made the potato salad? There isn’t a thing on earth (outside of a Mary J. Blige album) that’s worse than bad potato salad. Anytime there is potato salad present, “who made the potato salad” is a valid question. So valid that there is a very, very low-budget movie starring Jaleel White called Who Made the Potato(e) Salad?. It’s around if you want to watch. It’s hilariously horrific.

There you have it. Eat wisely. Also, don’t have potato salad for Thanksgiving. Pretty weird. Stop.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Erik (@WalkSays)

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Erik Walker

Erik is black.

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