Hey, kids! It’s almost Halloween!
That’s right, kids, it’s time for Halloween. That magical time of year when kids dress up as superheroes, grown men dress up like idiots, and grown women have an excuse to dress up as a sexy nurse or a sexy maid or a sexy teacher or some other “sexy” version of some ordinary job.
Halloween has never really been my thing. There were a few times I dressed up in my youth and went trick-or-treating. I had fun doing it. Then I’d come home, and spill all my candy in front of my parents. They’d inspect it for razor blades (or whatever else people were putting in candy to hurt children), then we’d store it in the cabinet. I’d eat a little here and there, and so would my parents. But for the most part, that candy would sit undisturbed until we threw it away. I was never much of a candy eater.
In high school, I didn’t mind giving out candy to trick-or-treaters that came to my parents’ house, so that’s what I did. I had no interest in dressing up and going to Halloween parties, and I still don’t. Dressing up is just not enjoyable to me. It takes far too much effort. And I am firmly anti-effort whenever possible.
Now that I’m a full-fledged, certified adult, I refuse to give candy to trick-or-treaters. I refuse. It’s not that I don’t like kids. It’s not that I’m cheap and don’t want to buy candy. It’s not even that I don’t want to be bothered (even though I don’t). Nah, it’s deeper than that. My neighbors don’t know me, because I don’t talk to them. I’m a mystery. But I’m a man, and I live alone. How creepy would it be for me to be giving candy to children? The mystery black dude that has candy for the kids? Nope. Not happening. Therefore, for the time being, I’m not about that life.
So as your kids get ready to get dressed up and go trick-or-treating, keep an eye out for my house. It’ll be the dark, uninviting one. You can ring the doorbell if you want to, but I won’t answer. You can knock for as long as you’d like, but I’ve got nothing for you.
In conclusion, I hope you and yours have a fun and safe Halloween. Just don’t expect to find fun or Halloween at my house.