How much crazy is too much crazy?? (A checklist for ranking crazy)

So we talked at one point as a group about some of our dealbreakers in relationships in ThaWell Forum. If you haven’t read it yet, you should check it out… Anyway, we all talked about the things that we just can’t take from the opposite sex. Chris railed about women in fur-lined coats, Marcus lamented about women who should really consider eating a sandwich once in a while, Deshawnt used the ThaWell Podcast to groan about ghetto women, and I shared my deep-seated disdain for feet, especially ones that look like they’ve been run over by a riding lawn mower with a rusty blade. But one trait that none of us touched is crazy. The truth is that we all have a fair amount of crazy. Every girl that I’ve dated has had some kind of tick. All of them have had moments when crazy showed up. Every one of those relationships started with these exact words:

“Erik, I can never get mad at you. If I look into your eyes, whatever I’m mad about will just go away.”

And every time that was said, it was a lie. They all eventually had moments where I did or said something to make them completely forget about my stand-up guy-ness. But so have I. I’m not immune to crazy. I have my ticks as well. We all do. It’s part of being human. Two human beings that spend a fair amount of time with each other are bound to get on each others nerves. Crazy will happen. It’s inevitable.

Personally, I’ve never dated a girl that had enough crazy for me to actually deem her as crazy. They’ve been respectable women, with respectable dreams and goals, and all of them rank pretty low on my crazy-o-meter. That’s why I dated them. It’s important to me. I’m repulsed by crazy. But I’ve noticed that not all people are… So my question for the day is: How much crazy is too much crazy for you?

I’ve heard plenty of stories of crazy being exhibited in relationships in epic proportions. The weird thing to me is that epic crazy doesn’t always result in a break-up. I’ve seen the girl who vandalizes property and the guy who returns the favor. I’ve seen cars keyed and windows smashed. I’ve seen inside info make its way outside and public humiliation on Facebook. Crazy is real. Crazy is out there.

So I’ve taken the liberty of putting together the following ranking system to help you determine how crazy your significant other may be. For each question give a ranking on a scale of 1-5 (1 – Absolutely not gonna happen, 2 – Unlikely, 3 – I don’t know, 4 – Likely, 5 – Absolutely gonna happen). Let’s ride…

How likely is it that your significant other will ever utter the following phrase: “I can’t wait until Mike Epps comes to town! He’s hilarious!” Not only does this reek of crazy, but it also points to really, really bad judgement. You don’t want that kind of stuff in your life. All bad, son.

If you get into a heated argument, how likely is your significant other to hit you with the intent of injury? No jokes here. If the answer to this one is a 4 or 5 (or even a 3), then you may as well mark every one of these questions as a 5. Get out. Change your phone number. Domestic abuse is never okay. NEVER.

If you and your significant other have a bad break-up, how likely is he/she to act out every word of Jazmine Sullivan’s “Bust Your Windows”? You should be able to make a decent judgement call on this one based on his/her actions around and/or thoughts on past relationships. Be right in your judgement call. Especially, if you’re the type of person that enjoys driving with a windshield… Could be bad.

How likely is your significant other to break into your house and booby trap it with dozens of water balloons filled with urine? The rocky parts of a relationship suck bad enough on their own. You don’t want to have to walk through those while also walking in pants that smell like pee. That’s not a good look, homie. I suggest you think long and hard about this one.

If you and your significant other have a bad break-up, how likely is his/her mom to breed a pit-bull puppy for the sole purpose of attacking you with reckless abandon? This one is kinda big. If his/her mom is crazy, chances are that he/she is crazy also. Crazy begets crazier. So if the mom will breed a vicious puppy of death, he/she is likely to harvest a nest of killer bees whose stingers have been soaked in liquid AIDS. You don’t want that.

That was a pretty quick and easy test, now wasn’t it? What you will want to do now is add up all your points then take a look at the scale below.

If the overall score is in the 5-10 range, you’re in pretty good shape. Your significant other’s level of crazy is extremely manageable. I would liken her minimal level of crazy to Halle Berry’s character in Boomerang (I’m not touching male equivalents–sorry, ladies). Pretty docile. Low level of crazy. Good catch, pimpin.

An overall score in the 11-15 range still leaves you in fairly good shape. Your girl may have some quirk, but she’s a lot closer to fun crazy than she is to slash-your-tires-and-set-that-joint-on-fire crazy. That’s a good thing. We’re talking Sanaa Lathan in Love and Basketball and/or Brown Sugar (since they’re both the same movie). Why is she semi-crazy, you ask? Well, for one she was fine as all outdoors and had no idea. Next, she made a gang of bad decisions that almost messed everything up. It all worked out in the end though. Her semi-crazy was not a dealbreaker.

If the overall score lies in the 16-20 range you’re getting a tad too close to the darkside. Her level of crazy is on par with Isla Fisher’s character in the Wedding Crashers. You may not always understand her motives. She’s likely up to no good. The likelihood that you will suffer in the near future is pretty high. Good luck with that, homie.

If the overall score is in the 21-25 range, you’re doomed. Run. We’re talking Alicia Silverstone in Crush, Erika Christensen in Swimfan, Kathy Bates in Misery, Lynn Whitfield in A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. You want no parts of this one. Get out. Move away. Change your name. Hire Suge Knight to protect you. Get an armored car. Stock said armored car with that left over Y2K kit you had 12.5 years ago and plenty of canned goods. It’s that serious.

I hope this helps. Stay away from crazy, otherwise you die. Pretty cut-and-dry. Choose wisely.

Until next time…

-Erik (@WalkSays)

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Erik Walker

Erik is black.

2 Comments

    • Kassandra
      June 28, 2012

      “Stay away from crazy, otherwise you die.” Words of wisdom, there. lol

      Reply
      • Erik
        June 28, 2012

        It’s a proven fact. Crazy and long life are mutually exclusive. People gotta know!

        Reply

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