Less Judas. More Jesus.

Less Judas 

Imagine Judas Iscariot as a house guest on any reality show.  If Good Friday were competition day, then by Easter, Judas would have been voted off. Judas is depicted in the New Testament as a thief and lover of money. However, he is most infamously known for the “kiss of betrayal” which led Jewish authorities to identify and arrest Jesus. Sure, Judas wasn’t the only one of the original D12 (not to be confused with Eminem’s D12) to turn on JC, but there is something so inherently scathing about backstabbing.  The Bible lays the claim that Judas‘ evil was vindicated by a dramatic death of hanging, flinging himself into a field head first, or disembowelment.  Though we are not in the business of heresy or blasphemy (See Less God, More Zod), we’d like to say the Bible got it wrong on this one.  Judas still lives, folks.  Don’t believe me?  Explain these fools.  We’re pretty sure they wear “Team Judas” t-shirts to bed at night:

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church from Topeka Kansas demonstrate against homosexualityWestboro Baptist Church. Yes, Westboro has lost some of its “gusto” since Michael Phelps won the olympics Fred Phelps was burned at the stake died, but Westboro is really symbolic for all of the idiocy in the world masked behind goodness and virtue. Though they pontificate on behalf of Team Jesus, their actions scream Team Judas. This congregation is made up of family members related to and led by extremist Fred Phelps. The Westboro Baptist Church believes that it is their duty to uphold some Biblical teachings by manipulating them to push their own bigoted agenda (oh hello, Republican governor of Indiana). WBC zealously demonstrates their love for the Lord by picketing with “God hates fags” signs and protesting at funerals of American soldiers.  They’ve even been featured on every medium possible. Is it a message they want to spread, or is the familial church trying to Benny Hinn their way into money-making evangelism? Whatever happened to “Love thy neighbor”? Yeah, the congregation from Google, KS (remember when that was a thing?) has conveniently skipped over that little tidbit in the Bible.  Much like Judas, here are people in a position to do good, but choose to turn their back on God for more self-serving purposes. Pro-tip: Humans are dumb, man.

Real housewivesMTV, VH1 & Bravo. This is a no-brainer.  Nothing reeks of Judas‘ greedy little hands more than VH1. It was hard to see evidence of Mr. Iscariot  when the station played music videos (you know the station stands for Video Hits 1, right?). But now? Whoa buddy! What if Andy Cohen was replaced by Judas? I don’t think much would change in production. (And btw, I love Andy Cohen. Just trying to make a point here). Quite a profit is made from exploiting people, most of whom believe they are going to gain success for their 22 minutes of airtime–and then do. We don’t bat an eye when we see friends abuse each other on Black Ink Crew or any number of the Real Housewives series. But when we sit in the pews of our churches, listening to the pastor drone on about Judas being a traitor, we nod our head in disgust.  Really folks? It’s the exact same thing! The slight difference is that no one expects Nene to save our sins. Also like Judas, network television tends to kill itself of any potential good.  Shows such as Made or True Life which exhibit young people bettering their lives, aren’t as popular as Love & Hip Hop or Catfish.  Apparently, programming that prostitutes materialism is far more entertaining and important.  Duh.

More Jesus

Aside from being God and saving the sins of the world in such a dramatic flair as dying on the cross, The Messiah is a pretty all right guy. How can you not get down with the dude who can turn a lame wedding into a popping party?  Yeah yeah, a lot of people don’t buy the virgin birth story. (Really, it’s surprising more teen girls haven’t used this as an excuse). It’s also hard to believe that someone can die, come back to life, and not be a brain-eating zombie.  Let’s push that aside for just a moment. The true coolness of Jesus Christos is that he is the best friend we wish we could have. Really, if we all acted a little more Jesus-like, how much more could we accomplish? There wouldn’t be a need for Tea Parties or Coffee Parties. Everything would be one big party! With wine! And all-you-can-eat fish and bread! And loved ones brought back from the dead! See? Team Jesus for sure.

Still not sold on the Son of God? Think of the possibilities of what Jesus would really do?

Jesus wouldn’t get mad if you borrowed and ruined his favorite outfit.  Hell, if he has been beaten, ridiculed, and forced to wear a crown of thorns, surely he doesn’t care about last season’s Armani.  Besides, nothing man creates can compare to the couture swag you can get in heaven.

Jesus would have made an awesome sober driver. Though there weren’t cars back in 33 a.d., it wouldn’t have mattered much. Jesus would guide us across water or offer up a prayer and BAM! Safely home! Unlike Peter with his waning faith, most drunks aren’t going to question or even remember what happened. Plus, we would never have to return the favor; being true man and true God must equate to having a high tolerance for alcohol.

Jesus would take care of the evil people in your life.  Ever worked with someone so annoying, you wanted to fling a microwaved Hot Pocket at their face? Not with Jesus around. He’d most likely take them into the bathroom, dunk their head in the toilet water, and cast the demons out.

Jesus is better than universal health care. It’s apparent with the uproar about HCR that there are a lot of people in need of affordable treatment.  With Jesus, though, all it would take is a wave of two olive-brown fingers in the air, or a touch of his garment, and you’re all better! The best part is that the Prince of Peace wouldn’t charge you a dime.  He doesn’t need or want your money! Just your soul. Bwahahaha.

Jesus would listen to our lame a** stories over and over again. Actually, he already does. It appears that Emmanuel never tires of people talking to him about the same sh** century after century. He delights in it! He views our narcissism as endearing, and appreciates that fact that we are trying to converse with him at all.  How many people do you know in your life that care about your neighbor’s knee surgery? Jesus totally cares.  Then he’d spit on it and make it better.  Win.

-Cristin (@artofbeingblunt)

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The quintessential Missouri native.

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