More people should consult me before making ridiculous life decisions

I feel like I make good life decisions. I mean, for starters, I have never bought or sold a crack rock, and I don’t own a Drake album. That alone puts me in good company. But I realize that I’m not the smartest guy on Earth. Plenty smarter, wiser, and more awesome than me. But I am the smartest of my parents’ children, the smartest person who lives in my house, and the smartest person to ever live in my body, so yeah… I know stuff. [Note: I’m kind of an only child, the only other living things in my house are a couple of plants, and to my knowledge I’ve never been body-snatched.]

All in all, I make good decisions. Like that time I chose not to punch that big Deebo looking guy simply because his face looked punchable. Or that time in 3rd grade I chose the peanut butter and jelly instead of peanut butter and salami… Both excellent decisions.

But the intent of this post is not to talk about my past choices, but to talk about how much help I could be to people who make bad life choices. I have two examples for you today:

I’m not sure if you’ve been paying attention, but Amar’e Stoudemire (of the New York Knicks) just got braids a couple months ago. You look me in the eye and tell me that wasn’t an awful decision. The only way that’s not a bad decision is if he also just bought the whole Platinum Fubu collection and is planning on leaving us to start over with a new life in 1997. All I’m saying is that he should have consulted me. I could have helped.

I know you all heard about Chris Brown v. Drake (aka The Battle of the Soft Dudes, aka The PowderPuff Squabble). As bad as that was, the lede was not the fact that the two of them had words or that bottles flew or that CB retaliated by… posting pics on Twitter. The lede was that Tony Parker was hanging out with Chris Brown. I’m not going to lie and say that this is the thing that has made me lose all respect for Parker, but this certainly didn’t help. Then, on top of that, he filed suit against the nightclub for allowing both CB and Drake in on the same night at the same time. Word? Tony Parker is one of the best point guards in the league. He’s a hooper. But I had no idea he was soft until we were all able to label him as such based on his associations with this story. Gimme a call, TP. I can help… for a fee, of course.

Happy Thursday, folks.

Until next time…

-Erik (@WalkSays)

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Erik Walker

Erik is black.

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