My Vacation Recap: Part I (The Plan)
If you were paying attention, you may have noticed that I didn’t post last week. I was away. My 30th birthday was back in late December, and I put off the celebration until last week to go on a cruise. The initial plan was to invite a huge group of family and friends and go as a big group around the time of my parents’ and my birthday (all three are within a month of each other). I’ll spare you the details, but that plan fell through. Instead, the group ended up being Jason (one of my LB’s) and my friend, Porter.
When planning this cruise, I had a vision. The only other time I’d been on a cruise, I went with the girl I was dating at the time and about 12 million people from her family. That was a fun trip, but I was EXTREMELY cautious about where my eyes wandered, who I talked to, how long I talked, and whether or not any machetes or small knives were pointed in my direction and/or flying toward my precious face because of who saw my wandering eyes. This time, I would be free! I’m not about that “hook-up” life, but I was not at all opposed to meeting a group of nice young ladies with which the three of us young gents could spend the week… You know, dinners, beach activities, and the like. That was the plan.
That plan had an important flaw. Apparently, no one born after 1912 vacations in January. There were a few groups of people our age, but the vast majority of cruisers on this ship held their teeth in their hands when they brushed them. Not a good look for the homies. On one hand, there weren’t many people in which we wanted to interact, AND they all had to use the elevators to travel up and down the different levels of the ship. Our [relatively] young behinds were left to climb the stairs 98% of the time as a consequence. But on the other hand, we were eating all the time so the exercise wasn’t a bad idea, and we were on a cruise ship bound for paradise so what was there for any rational person to complain about?! So despite the geriatric crowd, we were set to have a good time.
Unfortunately, not all people are rational. Within the first 24 hours of the 7-day cruise, people were complaining about EVERYTHING! The complaining never stopped.
The lines to check in the nearly 4,000 guests were too long. Even though the cruise line had the lines working like clockwork, and no one was in line more than 30-45 min, people complained… It was somewhat amazing to me that the lines moved so quickly, but others disagreed.
The individually, custom-made omelettes in the endless, all-inclusive, breakfast buffet of an obese person’s dream took too long to make. Life is hard. It doesn’t get much worse than being surrounded by a limitless amount of food all the time while heading to three separate Caribbean islands. That 5 minutes to get that omelette is freakin unbearable.
When we were headed to the port at Falmouth, Jamaica, the captain noticed that the winds were too high, which affected the swell of the ocean, which caused the depth of the water near the port to be unpredictable. We lost half a day as the captain chose to backtrack to the much safer port at Montego Bay rather than to risk turning us into the sequel to that Italian cruise that ran aground a year ago. Keeping course to Falmouth could’ve had us touching the bottom and tipping the ship over, but apparently that’s a justified risk if it means spending another 3 hours at the beach. I didn’t feel like dying on my vacation, so I was cool with the change.
I was wishing that I was wearing a shirt that said “#FirstWorldProblems” so I could point to it every time someone issued some asinine complaint on that first day. Nope, instead I was wearing a shirt that said “Welcome to the Show”, which is in reference to a song by a group called theBREAX. Not everyone knows theBREAX though, so instead I was asked if I was a stripper and would be part of a show onboard… Yep, that face you’re making right now is the same one I gave the lady that asked…
Next week, I’ll give you My Vacation Recap: Part II, where I’ll tell you all about the characters we met on this trip. Hilarity will ensue.
Until next time…