My Vacation Recap: Part II (The Characters)

Last week I started recapping my vacation for you. This week I’m going to introduce you to some of the characters we met. There are a lot of them and quite a few really short videos, so I’ll get right to it. Let’s ride…

mortal-kombat-x-logo-03-02jun14First, there was the dude with the Mortal Kombat tattoo on his calf. I don’t know about you, but there has never been a moment in my life where I played a video game that was so dope that I wanted to tattoo the logo anywhere on my body… But maybe I’m weird, because apparently there are people out here in these streets doing just that. I didn’t think to sneak of picture of Mortal Kombat guy, so you’ll just have to use your mental mind to imaginate the ridiculousness (I’m fairly proud of the hood-fabulous sentence structure I put on display right there. Go ahead… marvel).

Cruises are like floating cities out in the middle of the ocean. As such, they can be incubators of disease if infested with treacherous people who don’t wash their hands. To fight that risk, our cruise ship was equipped with Purell hand sanitizer stations EVERYWHERE. They were stationed in front of every place where you would go to eat and/or interact with other humans. If you didn’t sanitize your hands before walking into a place to eat, you would get called out! I saw it happen. That’s where we met Sanitize Guy. He had a new dance every day. On the last day, he debuted the one you see below. He’s a good example of how the waiters and staff tried to make it a great experience. They succeeded.

On the second night of the cruise, the three of us were at the “Disco” watching people dance [horribly]. The first character we noticed here was the Awkward Dude. Now, to be fair, the Awkward Dude had friends; he came with a small group. In fact, Porter and I teamed up with another guy and beat the brakes off  the Awkward Dude’s team in the 3-on-3 basketball tournament earlier that day. I mean, soundly beat the brakes off. I’m talking like the kinda beating Kobe put on Bow Wow that one time. We thrashed them. Showed no mercy. Twisted the knife… But I digress. Anyway, the Awkward Dude wanted to be a part of the fist-pumping crowd of young people from Buffalo, NY. So, he placed himself near them, and did his dance. He kept it simple. It’s demonstrated below by me and then by him.

On that same night, we encountered Salsa Dude for the first time. Salsa Dude was everywhere, all the time. At the pool, at the bar, at the Disco, at the buffets… everywhere. But he was always solo. Salsa Dude was so named because that first night we encountered him at the Disco, we noticed him always dancing alone… And regardless of what song was playing, fast or slow, he was hitting his salsa steps… Pure comedy, bruh.

Again, on that same night as we were watching the hilarity on the dance floor, we encountered Detroit City. Detroit City (he introduced himself by saying he was from “Detroit City”) was a white dude that wanted to prove to us beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was down. He introduced himself saying that he was embarrassed to be white because of what he saw on the dance floor. He then tried to endear himself to us by telling us how great black people are. That we are born solid as a rock. That we are superior athletes. That football and basketball wouldn’t exist without us. That we are the coolest, best dancing people on earth. Then he showed us a picture of his daughter (her mother is his girlfriend, her father is some dead beat black dude that his girlfriend cheated on him with). He mentioned how beautiful his daughter was, and invited Jason to bang his girlfriend so that he could have another beautiful, bi-racial baby… Yep. We avoided talking to or making eye contact with Detroit City for the rest of the trip.

On the 1’s and 2’s every night was DJ Tic Tac. DJ Tic Tac would go through stretches where he would just bring death to the party. Whether it be through bad song selection or his ability to scratch terribly at the worst times. He did his best to play music he thought the three of us would like whenever he saw us. Sometimes he succeeded, but other times… Epic failure.

In Jamaica, there were a few things to notice. First off, before we even got to the beach, I visited the restroom. While I was there (about 5 other dudes were there too), the Cleaning Lady walked in and just started mopping and looking around like there was no problem… Pretty weird. Second, it seems as though that to win American girls in Jamaica one needs nothing else but to be Jamaican. Beat Dudes win in Jamaica. Are you an okay looking dude? Good enough teeth? A job? Nah, son. You need long, messy dreadlocks that serve as a refuge to a team of dirty rats and only 5-6 teeth in your face to catch W’s here, playa… The third thing we noticed was the two girls from our ship that were about to get Natalie Halloway’d. They walked the beach, bikini-clad, and found some Jamaicans to let them get a puff of some Jamaican green. Next thing you know, they’re all hugged up and kissing on each other. Thankfully, to my knowledge, they didn’t get kidnapped or killed. It was looking like a real possibility for a moment, and we were trying to decide what our play should be if it did. Could’ve been all bad.

At the Cayman Islands, I met the Fine Girl who worked at the perfume/cologne/jewelry store. She smiled at me. I smiled back. We either had a moment, or I was just another customer in her store that she smiled at. I’m going to go on about my life believing it was the first of those two, and that we were an additional smile away from getting married and building a happy home together. I should’ve taken a picture with her just because she was fine, but I didn’t think about it until we were gone… But, just know that she was fine. That is all.

At one of the evening outside party events after we left Cozumel, we encountered the Asian Lady. The Asian Lady stood out because she was dancing alone, and her style was somewhat… unorthodox. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen such blatant disregard for rhythm. But she was on vacation. She was free. She was secretly being recorded by me as Jason provided a diversion. See the video below:

The last character worth mentioning was known as the Q. As you may have guessed, “Q “is short for something that I don’t want to go into here. Just know that it was a not-so-nice name given to her by Jason on the night she revealed her thirst and touched his face without permission. The Q was a part of the fist-pumpers from Buffalo. We were introduced to her the same night we noticed the Asian Lady. The three of us were standing around at the party by the pool, minding our own business when the Q walked over to us. “Where are you guys from?” she asked. “Kansas City,” we answered. She looked puzzled. “Oh,” she said, “my friend guessed you were from Africa.” …Not a great way to start a friendship… From then on, she spent her waking moments finding us at every event and pleading for us to dance with her. She took every opportunity to turn her back to us, while she danced, and poke her booty lower back out, doing all she could to be noticed. I mentioned last week that I’m not about that hook-up life. Well that’s exactly what she wanted. The black man thirst was strong with this one. She showed it with her eyes and by requesting songs we were known to dance to. She also may or may not have sang a song to me and may or may not have tried to back that back up to Porter. Yeah, she was somewhat ridiculous.

I’ll close out this post with a summary video of Jason, Porter, and I doing the marquee dances from the week.

Until next time…

-Erik (@WalkSays)

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Erik Walker

Erik is black.

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