Need to find a date? Go to Wal-Mart…

One of my coworkers is going through a divorce. The proceedings have lasted the better part of two years, so by now he seems to be over the whole emotional loss thing. He’s ready to move on. He recently mentioned that he heard the best place to meet people to date was Wal-Mart… Yeah, I know right? I would assume that Wal-Mart would be pretty low on the list for anyone that enjoys dating people who have a full set of teeth that also are not brown. I mean, yeah, there are tons of people who shop there who would be “good catches”, but the picture that you and I both got when I brought up the subject was something straight out of PeopleofWalmart.com. Am I right?

*****

Anyway, here’s the story. Buckle in, because it’s about to get pretty ridiculous…

He decided to give it a try. He went to Wal-Mart, and he shopped (see what I did there?). After some weeks, he noticed a prospect–we’ll call her Sally. Cute, full set of teeth, not morbidly obese, no ring, not wearing her pants as a shirt… She was firmly in the “dateable” category.

He told us that it took him a while to build up the nerve to step to Sally, so he followed her around for a while until he decided to talk to her. Kinda stalker-ish, but somehow it worked. They ended up going on a few dates, and everything seemed cool. He did, however, notice that some things were a little different about Sally. She would allow him to pick her up from her house, but she was adamant that he never come in, not even for a second. They had spoken about her experiences with divorce and shared stories together, but she never wanted to show him pictures of her with her kids. After a couple dates he began noticing that she recycled outfits way more often than most women do. Nothing too alarming, just somewhat odd.

It took him about six dates to discover the horrible truth. Here’s how the story goes as he told it:

One night, he invited Sally over to his house for dinner and a movie (he likes to cook often). Dinner had gone smoothly, and they were about to settle in to watch some dumb movie she picked out with lots of kissing, some floating hearts, some sappy music, and not one single explosion. She excused herself to go use the restroom before the stupid movie started. Just as she left the room, her phone rang. Curiously (probably a tad bit of nosiness too), he looked over at her phone (which was sitting on the table) to see who was calling. He recognized her son’s name (we’ll call him Seth), but it was the picture that popped up that had him puzzled. It was a picture of a family. There was a teenage boy (who he assumed to be Seth), a preteen girl (who he assumed to be her daughter), some adult lady he didn’t know, and some dude who looked like he could be Sally’s brother…

His mind started spinning. Who is this lady? Why had Sally mentioned everyone in her family except this mysterious brother? Why was this the family that showed up when her son’s name appeared on her phone?

That’s when he started putting it all together. Her divorce. Not being allowed inside her house. No pictures of her with her kids. Her seemingly limited supply of clothes… He had been duped. Apparently, she was too good to be true. She was a perfect match. She was smart. She was funny. She was into him. She was… a him. That’s right. She was the man in the picture. He confronted her to confirm that she was a he and had pulled the worst non-violent crime that a person can commit that doesn’t (but should) result in life imprisonment. He was crushed.

*****

I told you the story was crazy. There are three things that we can take away from my coworker’s story. First, looking for dates in Wal-Mart could leave you wishing you hadn’t looked for dates in Wal-Mart. Do it at your own risk. Second, don’t ignore signals coming from a date you just met. I mean, no woman would recycle clothes within the span of six dates. This was clearly a sign of a woman with not too many woman clothes… which falls into the category of “no woman on Earth”. Third, and most importantly, I may or may not have fabricated this entire story. My coworker really did hear that Wal-Mart is a great place to meet people, but the rest… isn’t true. I just wasted your time. I feel awful. I apologize. (I don’t feel awful, and I certainly don’t apologize. You’ll live.)

Until next time…

-Erik (@WalkSays)

About Author

Erik Walker

Erik is black.

4 Comments

Leave a Comment