Road Rage Spawns

Do you have road rage? I don’t… Okay, maybe I do have a little, but it’s always justified (as if yelling at cars whose drivers cannot hear you is ever justified). Some people just drive like idiots. They drive like they’re the only ones on the road, robbing people like you and me the opportunity to drive like we’re the only ones on the road. Selfish, right? People who incite road rage are pretty much the worst. I’ve taken the liberty of categorizing the worst of the worst. Here we go:

Anti-Turn Lane Guy

Have you ever been on a two-lane road that has a turn lane in the center, and the person in front of you INSISTS on making his/her left turn from the driving lane instead of the turning lane? You just got played by Anti-Turn Lane Guy (ATLG). ATLG is highly annoying for multiple reasons.The first reason is the obvious, because this jerk is unnecessarily blocking your progress. The second reason is that he may or may not be using a turning signal (akin to No Turn Signal Guy), and/or he almost never takes the first opportunity to turnroad rage (akin to Clear Horizon Guy). So he appears to just stop in the middle of the road until you realize that he’s actually trying to turn.

No Turn Signal Guy

Whether it’s switching lanes or stopping at a green light to make a right turn, No Turn Signal Guy (NTSG) is not giving a second thought to letting you know what he’s doing. He’s going to frustrate you. He’s going to irritate you. He’s going to make you want to throw a brick at his back window, but don’t do it. You’ll go to prison. You’re not built for prison.

Clear Horizon Guy

Clear Horizon Guy (CHG) may use a signal. He may use the turning lane correctly. But he’s gonna sit there until there are no cars coming his way for five miles before he makes his turn. If he can see an oncoming car, buddy ain’t moving. Whether he has to wait 40 seconds, five minutes, or until Tuesday, he’s gonna wait; and you’re gonna be ticked off.

Close Call Guy

Close Call Guy (CCG) is the opposite of CHG. He’s going to try to make the turn despite how oncoming traffic looks. As long as he smashes the gas, he feels like he can always make it. If you’re the oncoming car, you’re going to have to slam the brakes or risk having an accident. If you’re riding with CCG, you’re going to have to either have nerves of steel or go to sleep. That is, if you can rest peacefully knowing that this fool may soon send you to a peaceful rest.

Slow Poke Guy

Slow Poke Guy (SPG) shows up in a variety of ways. Whether he’s holding up traffic in the fast lane, switching lanes, or making a left or right turn; he’s doing it at a snail’s pace. He just has a knack for being in the way. SPG would be fine if he would just ease himself over to the far right lane. Would he still be in the way of someone? Probably. But he wouldn’t be in the way of us movers and shakers of the world that view the speed limit as a low-end suggestion.

I didn’t cover them all here. There are plenty more to add to the list. In the interest of time, I’ll stop. Any one of these guys can leave you outraged, wanting to commit vandalism. My advice to you is don’t do it… Nah, never mind. Do it. Commit the vandalism. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe prison is for you. Maybe you’ll fall in love with your defense attorney while you’re on trial. Maybe he/she will wait for you while you’re doing your time in the joint. Maybe when you get out the two of you will get married and have a herd of children. Maybe prison will rehabilitate you to be a much calmer, more peaceful you that doesn’t have a problem with road rage. It could happen, right? I mean, what do I know? I’m just a guy. Live your life, jack.

Catch you next time…

-Erik (@WalkSays)

About Author

Erik Walker

Erik is black.

1 Comment

    • Ruthie
      March 20, 2014

      When I’m on the road, I’ve learned to keep my peace, if I can get by. (not always). They will be called a heifer, even if it’s a guy, because I always can’t see if it’s male or female. I’m just always in a hurry. So to those of you who don’t get in a hurry, they are the people who are always on time for appointments. Me, I’m always late and running “fast”. Slow drivers, drive me crazy!


Leave a Comment