The Long, Drawn Out Conversation: A Love Story
Spend some time talking to a random woman, perhaps on a first date or a during orientation at a new job (editors note: does not apply to this guy) and you will inevitably hear, “I really don’t even like to talk on the phone.” Lies. Women love talking on the phone. Whether it’s talking to their mothers for hours on end about every single detail of their day. Or chatting with a homegirl during the latest episode of Real Jumpoffs of AtlantaHoustonCommanche, women be talking ™ Chris Rock Dave Chappelle.
Aside from talking to a parent or a homegirl, women love nothing more than Longus Drawnus Conversatia otherwise translated as The Long Drawn Out Conversation (LDOC). The LDOC is universally occurring amongst those who only have X chromosomes (editors note: does apply to this guy). The LDOC can, generally, occur at any time after normal working hours. However, under especially ridiculous circumstance the LDOC will occur during working hours while one party is trying to clean out several hundred emails from Outlook that piled up ONLY because said party had to take a day off of work to deal with the fallout from a previous LDOC occurrence.
While a LDOC, like hives, can be caused by nearly any social or environmental disturbance, most instance have about three general triggers. So that I can enlighten my fellow men, below, I will list out the most common prompts.
1. You Didn’t Do Something You Were Supposed To Do. Even Though You Didn’t Know You Were Supposed To Do It Because She Shouldn’t Have To Tell You To Do It.
Unfortunately, this might actually be the most logical reason out of all those on the list. It is absolutely reasonable for a woman to want a man to do something/say something/go somewhere for her when she clearly spells out her desires by saying absolutely nothing.
Most women that I’ve been involved with (read: most women that I got to respond to my ad on Craigslist) are usually never shy about expressing themselves or their wishes. I can’t count how many times I’ve been with a woman at a restaurant who let the teller clearly know that they wanted their fries FRESH1. I would even say women these days are more so or less bold to speak up for themselves and let their feelings be known. Well at least to everyone in the world, but the person who should actually know.
Not sure if women underestimate the aloofness of a lot of men, but a situation akin to the end of the world to you (not calling just to hear your voice between the 18 All-New Back to Back Episodes of House of Payne) is just an, “Oh, my bad” to us.
2. We Need To Discuss Just Where This Relationship Is Going
Women absolutely love to know exactly where each relationship is going. Here’s a secret men want to know too, but we want to know when we’re…ya know, in an actual relationship. Some women will try to have this conversation with a man almost as soon as they meet. They go out and do some dancing, a walk and good conversation and a medium priced (dutch?) dinner and a few days later she wants to have a LDOC. Dude is probably thinking, “Dag, Free Communications Weekend was just last week, right?”
3. You Showed Another Woman Too Much Attention
One thing you never do while out with your woman, show any other non-male an inordinate amount attention. What’s an inordinate amount of time? Who knows. It’d be easier to divide Avogadro’s Number by the number of feelings on a Drake album2.
Nevertheless, make the mistake of lingering too long at a waitress or being too engaging during a conversation with her best friend (yep, the one she started that rumor about) and you run the risk of her calling you at the tip-off of Game 7 of the NBA Finals and not getting off the phone until 2nd round of the draft. When Whitney sang that she was saving all her love for that dude, she meant it. And Whitney, like every other woman, is expecting you to do the same. Oh, and love equals eye contact.
Well, those are the top causes of a LDOC. All around the world its the same song.
Are there any others I missed? Let me know.
1. Keep in mind that a lot of restaurants have fries before you get to judging
2. That’d be 6.022*1023/infinity