We are north, eh

I think.

I am moving.

To Canada.

Yep, that’s my decision. Never mind the fact that it is currently approximately infinity below zero (Celsius, Fahrenheit, and Kelvin), and I haven’t managed to work “Oh” and “Eh” into my normal speech pattern, but the writing is on the wall for me. I’ve just realized that Canada is so much better than the rest of North America. It just is.

Think about it, you have universal healthcare, healthcare universal, and also universal care of health, how is this not the greatest place? You have poutine, everything is in French so I assume it’s easier to learn, Coffee Crisps, Tim Hortons, and you don’t have to worry about those pesky long summers like everywhere else. My father always said, “You only need a week of summer. Anything longer is just superfluous.” Editor’s Note: My father actually never said anything remotely like that.

As if I’d need any more convincing I just found out that Ontario’s Ministry of Education is expelling my mortal enemy from the country. Yeah, you know the black dude yelling at you because you’re just sitting on the couch, watching TV, and letting life pass you by? That guy won’t be allowed to harass you from the comforts of his schools strip mall parking lot any more, because Everest “College” is being closed in the Canadian Region.

How aboot that?

And get this, the Ministry of Education has even set up a fund to get folks who fell for that okey doke their money back! This would, unequivocally, never happen in America. Never, ever, ever. There is a better chance of Kevin Hart saying something funny…on purpose than America getting out of bed with for-profit colleges and universities.

This country thrives on debt, counterintuitively. That’s why the housing market is so important.

But in Canada, Ohhhhhh Canada, you folks up there, eh, are doing your people, eh, a solid, dontchaknow? Editor’s Note: I think I may have veered into a Minnesotan accent right there.

When I make it to Canada, it may be frigid and I’ll have to get used to not fearing for my life while I walk down a street, but at least I won’t have to get yelled at by some dude in a curved brimmed hat excoriating me for signing up for his debt fueled palace of education.


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I'm a thirty year old man who likes Medicine For Melancholy.

1 Comment

    • neverleftempty
      February 24, 2015

      I actually thought about moving to Canada…seriously thought about it. Not for the reasons you so eloquently stated lol but to learn French. Although the French people are snobs when it comes to their language Canada is a whole heck of a lot closer and cheaper. Still thinking about it. These last several weeks I’ve been contemplating on how I can jump ship from my line of work because it’s wack right now. I don’t know, maybe they appreciate John Legend, Mary J Blige and Kevin Hart a lot more. Good post.


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