With the Super Bowl coming up, let’s revisit the Crazy Test, shall we?

Remember the Crazy Test I gave you last year? It pertained to dating relationships, primarily. I think it’s high time to revisit that joint, but with general friendships in mind this time. Why, you ask? Well the Super Bowl is coming up. If you’re anything like me, you’re going to watch the big game surrounded by a gang of friends, food, and drinks either at your house, a friend’s, or some restaurant.

Sound like a good time? It should… You know what will make it suck? An ounce of crazy… Just an ounce is all it takes.

So, what can you do?

You eliminate crazy at its root. You screen all your friends through this fool-proof Crazy Friend Test that I’m going to give you. You test your friends for any hint of crazy, then you carefully vanquish him/her from your circle (he/she is, after all, crazy). Sound easy enough? Cool. Let’s ride…

First, you’ll need to recount some real-life events that you and your allegedly crazy friend have experienced.

  1.  Has your friend ever been to a Drake concert and/or bought a Drake album and played it more than 1.5 times? If yes, add two points.
  2. Has your friend ever wondered out loud what spaghetti would taste like using heroine instead of parmesan cheese? If yes, add five points.
  3. Has your friend ever given up the use of deodorant because “ladies love those natural pheromones”? If yes, add three points.

Keep that point total. Next, we’ll look at some hypotheticals.

  1. On a scale from 1 (not likely) to 5 (very likely), how likely is your friend burn an ex’s clothes (Waiting to Exhale-style) or house (Left Eye, from TLC, style)?
  2. On a scale from 1 – 5, how likely is your friend to pick a fight with someone who could clearly break him/her in half and expect you to jump in to help?
  3. On a scale from 1 – 5, how likely is your friend to pass gas loudly and obnoxiously in a room full of strangers with working noses and claim that it’s better out than in?
  4. On a scale from 1 – 5, how likely is your friend to streak at an MLK parade?
  5. On a scale from 1 – 5, how likely is your friend to kidnap a neighborhood puppy and return it weeks later for reward money?

Add this point total to the total you had before. Grades are as follows:

If your friend scored in the zero to 10 point range, you’re golden. Your friend is good, on the edge of quirky, possibly mad boring. You don’t have to worry about inviting him to your Super Bowl party. He may or may not have a personality, but he’s not crazy.

If your friend scored in the 11 – 25 point range, your friend is teetering on the verge of crazy. She’s either the life of the party because she always has an interesting story or is the life of the party because she consistently says and does the unexpected. Either way, she’s the life of the party. It’s probably safe to invite her to the party. Monitor her food and drink intake. Don’t let her ingest anything that will make you score her above 25 points. If she goes over, you’re doomed. She’s already at the party, and you can’t make her leave without expecting her to make a scene and ruin things for everyone else… Like I said, you’re doomed.

If your friend scored 26 – 35 points, cancel Christmas. Your friend is nuts. Don’t invite him to the party. Disassociate yourself from him. You don’t want him at your house, and you don’t want to be at his house. Crazy will happen. If you enjoy not being in prison, get rid of this friend. It’s for your own good.

Getting rid of your crazy ex-friend may be the most difficult part. I mean, how do you tell a crazy person that you’d rather lay out on a bed of broken glass, while breathing in a constant shower of asbestos particles and sun-bathing in a Chernobyl-like nuclear fallout? No easy way to say it. So, you say it, then grab any area that you fear will receive the impact of a kick, run away as fast as you can, change your name and address, grow a beard, and pretend to be a paraplegic war vet… forever.

It’s that simple.

Until next time…

-Erik (@WalkSays)

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Erik Walker

Erik is black.

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